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The Puckered Star

est 2002

Correspondents:

  • Eileen Bach, Gupta Singh, Ben Dover, Mike Rotch, Myendus Weeping, Holden MaGroin, Phil McAvity

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Breaking News: Shuttle landing delay not due to Christmas party hangover, claims NASA.....'

The Puckered Star

Informed comment on the Global Milieu. All the news, sport, entertainment, horoscopes and insulting behaviour you could ever need

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

The Puckered Star will return in the next 10 days

.: posted by Gupta 9:06 AM


Friday, March 07, 2003

Breaking News...

Search for Osama Bin Laden intensifies as he returns the Editors Choice from his book club

Tony Blair's version of "Firestarter" fails to sway listeners during the Iraq debate on MTV

British General declares that the army is 'ready for battle' as they prepare for their role in Iraq's invasion or 'Operation Friendly Fire'

Man receives double arm transplant. "I can now open my own beer" He declares

.: posted by Gupta 6:25 AM


Friday, December 20, 2002

Poorly Translated Japanese Headlines (From our Far East News Partner ‘Hoo Fl Ung Dng) Main Headlines this week

Many worker robot clink for party Christmas. Glug glug, dog milk arse tree.

Glug glug, dog milk arse tree swerve, swerve thud. Police-a

Mother Theresa is one step away from glug glug sucki sucki glug, Sainthood. JINGLE BELL GODZILLA BODY POP-A!

.: posted by Gupta 7:28 AM


News Summary

British PM heartens the country with his "Merry Christmas, Prepare For War" statement

'Stolen' Turners discovered 'behind the bleach' in Tate cupboard

American and UK governments hint at a surgical strike on Hans Blix

British scientists finish assembly work for the Beagle 2 flight to Mars. Beagle 1 mission marred after dog starves

Star Trek fan admits dissapointment when 'Mr Spock' actor Leonard Nimoy resorted to punching instead of a Vulcan neck pinch when he touched Mr Nimoy's testicles

.: posted by Gupta 6:46 AM


Wednesday, December 11, 2002

News Summary

Scientists suggest killing thousands of hedgehogs off west coast of Scotland to protect wild birds. Hedgehogs prefer firing squad

N.Ireland Secretary of State Murphy moves to calm Unionist concerns over Cross Border Bodies. Agrees to cover them with a blanket until next year

Christopher Reeve recovery possible. He may fly again within two years

Peace monitors finally arrive in Aceh, Malaysia. Had spent last 6 months policing the American Council of Hypnotist Examiners in Glendale

Man from Kentucky strains eyes trying to see self-basting chicken basting itself

Canadian woman unimpressed by Australian cousin's "wishing he could see all that woNderful snow" remark

.: posted by Gupta 7:37 AM


Tuesday, December 10, 2002

We'll All Stand Together - by Gupta Singh

Rumours of talks to bring the Conservative and Ulster Unionist parties closer together appear to be true.

Yesterday morning Ian Duncan Smith, leader of the Conservative party, launched an attack on the British Prime Minister over continuing revelations regarding the PM’s wife and inappropriate actions regarding a known fraudster. The country’s eyes were on Tony Blair. Then Michael Heseltine, frustrated ex pretender to the Conservative leadership, launched an attack on Ian Duncan Smith, calling him a
“Big Jessie”
Then Kenneth Clarke launched an attack on the rest of the party telling them to :
“Stop fighting!” The Tories immediately heeded this call and really began to get into a scrap. So for a change the Tories actually had Labour on the ropes and they let them off the hook, thanks to infighting.

Good to hear that the Unionists are already having an influence.

.: posted by Gupta 5:43 AM


Monday, December 09, 2002

Take Them Up the Bogside - by Eileen Bach

The Apprentice Boys and the Orange Order of Derry have written a strongly worded letter of complaint to the Scottish F.A.
"We condemn the scheduling of the Old Firm Derby between Rangers and Celtic during our 'Lundy March' on Saturday. It caused a great deal of civil unrest and street violence in Londonderry. Cut it out, that's our job!"

.: posted by Gupta 9:03 AM


…………Breaking News……….Breaking News……….
Englishman breaks rib when asked, “Do you trust the government?”

.: posted by Gupta 7:34 AM


Iraq Dossier Under Scrutiny – by Pheelum MaBone

American and European governments are already studying the weight of evidence supplied by Iraq in their 12, 000 page dossier. US General Chuck Wagon.
“Well it is just typical of the Iraqi’s evasive, underhand attitude. They are playing the media for damned fools. I mean look at this page for example. There are four spelling mistakes and they haven’t quoted Twain correctly at all. Discussion over, bomb the b#stards!”

.: posted by Gupta 7:34 AM


Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam – by Gupta Singh

A horrendous slow news day has hit the news industry today. After a good many weeks of solid stories feeding the industry, the crash was inevitable. No one, however could have predicted the terrible limp story, draped coldly across the breaking news section of the BBC’s website. “Workers in the US are not drowning in e-mail and spam, say researchers.”

There will be a three second silence later today.

.: posted by Gupta 7:31 AM


Friday, December 06, 2002

...................BREAKING NEWS.................. BREAKING NEWS...............

News has reached us that Cherie Blair is not smiling. I repeat Cherie Blair has lost her vacuous grimace, somewhere in the London area. The public are advised not to approach it under any circumstances. The authorities are coordinating a search and will advise us when this national emergency is over

.: posted by Gupta 7:06 AM


Poorly Translated Japanese Headlines (From our Far East News Partner ‘Hoo Fl Ung Dng) Main Headlines this week

"Ryder Winona looking inward for paragraph time. Lonely gnu drinks from whiskery fountain.

Cherie Blair sad sack toothy grin slap. LOOK UP! GODZILLA SKIP-AH"


.: posted by Gupta 6:59 AM


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